Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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