Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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