i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
