dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
