I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
