My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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