you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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