woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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