he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
