i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
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If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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