I hate all girls vehemently.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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