Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
