so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
