For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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