i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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