pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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