Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
