in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
