I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
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Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
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Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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