My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
