and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
