I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
