I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
