His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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