I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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