I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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