shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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