You just made me feel so damn special
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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