i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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