the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
