Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
