Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
