3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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