Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
