This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
