I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize