I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
