I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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