i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
