the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
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Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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