According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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