is your mom at the bar?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
