Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
