I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
