Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You need Xanax blowdarts
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
