11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
