I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
