I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
