I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
