So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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