Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
