Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
