My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
