Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
