Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
