Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
