listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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