Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
