i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Randomize
