Pappa wants mamma naked
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
