Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
