Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
