So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
