we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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