I'm so fucking centered right now
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
