i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you will always have a special place in my vag
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Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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